In this week’s programme, Patrick O’Donnell was joined by mindfulness teacher Dominic Cogan, who returned to the show after several years. Their conversation focused on a topic that is both deeply personal and universally relevant: self-compassion.
Understanding Mindfulness Beyond Relaxation
Dominic began by explaining what mindfulness truly means. Although many people think of it as a relaxation technique, he emphasised that its purpose is far more profound.
“Mindfulness is paying attention in the present moment, with a quality of non-judgement and friendliness towards ourselves,” he said.
Relaxation can be a by-product, but the real value of mindfulness lies in changing our relationship with our thoughts, emotions, and experiences.
What Self-Compassion Really Is — and Isn’t
The conversation then moved to self-compassion, a concept often misunderstood.
Dominic explained that compassion is not pity, nor is it simply being soft or indulgent. Drawing on the work of psychologist Paul Gilbert, he described compassion as:
- A sensitivity to suffering in ourselves and others.
- A commitment to alleviating and preventing that suffering.
Compassion can be warm and gentle, but it can also be firm and courageous — like a parent setting healthy boundaries for a child. It requires both tenderness and strength, guided by wisdom.
The Three Components of Self-Compassion
Dominic outlined three key elements that form the foundation of self-compassion:
1. Self-Kindness
Many people, especially during difficult times, speak to themselves more harshly than they ever would to anyone else. This inner critic often grows from past experiences — harsh teachers, family dynamics, or societal stigma.
Self-kindness means learning to respond to ourselves with understanding rather than blame. It’s not easy, Dominic noted, but it’s essential.
2. Common Humanity
When we suffer, we often feel alone in our struggles. Dominic highlighted the importance of recognising that all human beings experience pain, insecurity, and disappointment.
“We’re all wearing masks,” he said. “We say we’re fine, but behind the mask everyone has something bothering them.”
Knowing we are not alone helps reduce shame and isolation.
3. Mindfulness
Mindfulness helps us recognise our thoughts without becoming overwhelmed by them. Not every thought is true, and not every feeling needs to dictate our behaviour.
By noticing rather than automatically believing our thoughts, we gain more space and clarity.
A Personal Journey: Anxiety, Shame, and Healing
Dominic openly shared why self-compassion matters so much to him.
In 2003, he experienced a severe episode of anxiety that forced him to stop working. The experience brought not only fear but also deep shame.
He made a courageous choice: to be honest about what he was going through. Surprisingly, honesty brought connection — many people responded with understanding, or shared their own experiences with panic and anxiety.
Professional support helped, but Dominic emphasised that the day-to-day work happens within ourselves. Mindfulness became a turning point, reducing his anxiety and transforming how he related to his struggles. Eventually, this personal healing inspired him to train as a mindfulness and self-compassion teacher so he could help others.
Even today, he explained, anxiety sometimes reappears — but now he has the skills to respond wisely and kindly.
Addressing Misconceptions: Is Self-Compassion Selfish?
A common misunderstanding is that self-compassion is self-indulgent. Dominic strongly disagreed.
Self-compassion naturally increases our compassion for others. Without it, attempts to help can feel forced, theoretical, or even unhelpful.
“If you don’t understand your own suffering, it’s very hard to genuinely support others,” he said.
The Limits of Positive Thinking
Patrick raised the topic of “positive thinking,” a popular idea in today’s culture. Dominic warned that forcing positivity often means denying our real feelings.
Instead, mindfulness begins by acknowledging how we truly feel — even if it’s uncomfortable. Genuine positivity grows naturally when we stop fighting our experience.
He also noted that society pressures people to be constantly happy, despite the difficult realities of the world. Feeling sadness or concern can be an honest and healthy response.
A Brief Guided Practice
Dominic offered listeners a short self-compassion exercise, involving:
- Grounding in the body — noticing posture and physical sensations.
- Checking in with the mind and emotions — without trying to change anything.
- Recognising common humanity — remembering that others struggle too.
- Offering supportive phrases, such as:
- May I be kind to myself.
- May I be strong.
- May I accept myself as I am.
- May I trust that all will be well.
A simple practice, but one that can soften self-criticism and build resilience.
The Qualities of Compassion
Before closing, Dominic summarised the qualities that true compassion requires:
- Care for ourselves and others
- Sensitivity to what is actually needed
- Sympathy and empathy, used wisely
- Courage to face discomfort
- Wisdom to discern what is helpful and what is harmful
Teachers and Inspirations
Dominic also acknowledged several teachers who have shaped the modern understanding of compassion:
- Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer — creators of the Mindful Self-Compassion programme
- Paul Gilbert — founder of Compassion-Focused Therapy
- Eric van den Brink and Frits Koster — developers of Mindfulness-Based Compassionate Living
Their books, courses, and online resources are widely available.
A Lifelong Practice
Dominic closed the conversation with encouragement for anyone interested in self-compassion:
This is not a quick fix or a technique to master overnight. It is a lifelong practice, full of trial and error, humour, patience, and learning.
“We learn by getting it wrong — and by forgiving ourselves.”
Patrick thanked Dominic for the conversation, noting the depth and humanity of his message.
Learn more: https://dominiccogan.com/
This interview aired on Disability Matters with Patrick O’Donnell on 92.5 Phoenix FM, a programme produced by Blanchardstown Centre for Independent Living (BCIL).
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